- 5/15/24: Alright, I'm not sure what to do with this page, but I've been posting mostly on Bearblog for the past month or so, and I do enjoy using it as a main blog page. With that in mind, I really just wish I could add my old blog posts on there and date them appropriately, but I don't think that feature really exists on there? I really love journaling my thoughts, as you can tell lmao, but I need somewhere flexible and easy enough to use that I can stay there and only there to log everything. As for updates for this site, I've added a coffee page for fun, tweaked a couple minor things, and overall have just been fiddling around in this past month. Not sure what I want to do next on here, but I think some sersious organization is needed. Be ready for some fuckery.
- 3/28/24: Over a year since I've updated on here! I think a lot of why I avoid coming back here is the pressure to do something big and meaningful, to not be mediocre or predictable, to give this place some huge overhaul that shows future me just how cool and worthy of praise I am. But the truth is, even just little bits of writing here and there are fun to me, even though I'm quick to forget that. I forget how nice it is just to make something small and see something happen from my own hands on here. I get so caught up in how I need to be productive and maximize my time that I become overwhelmed with idea of doing any of my interests or hobbies. I forget that I am capable of these ridiculous thought patterns just like everyone else. I'm always falling prey to the false idea that partially doing things doesn't matter; that it's just as bad as not doing anything at all, but that's just not true! Trying DOES matter, even if I give up halfway, I still have the experience of getting started under my belt. I know I think I can't pick things up again because I've been pretty bad at that in the past, but to be honest with myself I'm even more notorious about never starting things at all. There's so many things I've daydreamed of starting that I've hyped myself out of ever touching. I know I can't be alone with that, but I wonder if I'm looking the solution straight in the face and pretending I don't see it. I'm guilty of that, too. I remember when, in
my favorite movie Momoko is afraid to start something that she's spent so long dreaming of, or at least holding in such a high regard. It makes sense, then, that actually stepping up and doing what you've wanted to do feels nearly impossible and terrifying. But what is the solution here? Sometimes, you can't help but feel like something is important. When you're about to get on stage, the first thing you want to do is run, right? When your friend cancels plans to hang out, don't you sometimes feel relief? And when you can postpone working on that hobby that you desperately wish could pay your bills, there's something in you that wants to push it away for a moment. Or perhaps I'm alone here. But I can't help but notice that the tiny promise of money and attention seems to ruin a lot of potential to greatness. I know realistically that everything I do online will not make me a dime in the long run. I really try to make sure I'm not under some grindset illusion when I work on this website which is partially why it takes so long for me to update with anything. On the other hand, I know I would be happier with myself if I did update this place more instead of wasting time scrolling through things and consuming half the media I do without any intention or mindfulness. I know the more I make and create, however mid I may be at it, however ameteur, the clearer everything is and the better I feel. It's a lot like exercising: You know it's good for you not for the results or for the improvement but for the ritual itself. I know the healing is in the habit. I LOVE writing, and I don't care how much my rambling sucks to read! I have to accept that I MUST write every day for my soul to feel complete. I must accept that I have too much to say to keep inside and be mentally well. I am actually quite blessed to have so few eyes on me because it means I am free from the judgement that holds so many of us back from being ourselves.
Actually, I've done some writing outside of here that I'm just not wanting to go back to right now. Nothing against it, but it's served it's purpose of giving me a chance to dump my brain out and give me peace. I felt so great in those moments and I feel good in this one, even if I haven't produced anything that great. That's okay!
Actually, I have done something that I consider really good for me. I've completely cut off Tumblr for a month so far. Every time I would go on there, it's mainly just drepressing news or something that doesn't really make the negativity worth it. Now don't get me wrong here; I think that it's important to be aware of current issues that you can make a positive change for, and being informed about current events so that you can vote on them! But there is a balance needed. I shouldn't feel like I have to do my shift of Tumblr and Youtube activism after a shift of work and my household maintainance. I realize it's a privilege to be able to cut these things off for a moment and rest, and that doesn't stop me from needing to do so. I'm actually really surprised at how out of hand some people have gotten about wanting to control other people on the other side of the screen these days. No matter how much you guilt and shame people, they can always just cut you off. Guilt and shame just doesn't work, no matter how worthy the cause. I know that's a hard fact to face. It doesn't mean the world lacks compassion, if anything it's because people are feeling so much compassion, guilt, and empathy that they're overwhelmed and exhausted from the excess. I feel this too, and what helps me most is going to protests, demonstrations, and volunteering in person. It's a lot of fun in a way, you get to meet like-minded people, and you have this entire social experience that you know is helping. I have no money to donate but I love donating my time when I can, and it's really interesting seeing the type of people who actually go out in my local community and try to make a change versus the people who talk big online. It's a huge reality check. I think next time I go I'm going to bring a couple cameras, because I bet that would be an awesome blog post to make!
Anyway, back to cutting out Tumblr. It's been kinda awesome! It's always a bit of a struggle at first, not just needing my stimulation fix but the FOMO and wanting to know what's happening the milisecond it happens. Zooming out takes time. So for a couple days I had to figure out how to handle the boredom, even just sitting and staring out a window a little bit helped me process the time passing. But I'm hitting that point now where I'm okay with not knowing, after taking time to ask myself why I even want to if I'm either not going to do anything or have already done something. A lot of what really makes it hard is because I'm confronting my own isolation and gerneral lonliness. Even earlier today I had a bit of a cry from the sad thought that even though I'm sick, because my husband is also sick, and we have no friends, we have no one who's going to come over and help us through this. His family lives too far and without much transportation, and I haven't talked to my parents in a while so I can't help but worry they'd see me as just talking to them when I need something. I have an awkward relationship with them, honestly. But just realizing that I don't have someone who could just come over and bring us some more Dayquil, or a hot bowl of soup, or even when I'm well could come by and have some tea or coffee with me in the morning. Nothing crazy, just a person to have small talk with and maybe we play a board game or card game together once in a while. I feel the lack of this when I cut myself off from social media and I know you probably do to. I don't know what to do to really solve this, but I don't think social media is the answer. Do I really want my social life to be a product that a company profits from? Do I really want my meaningful conncections with people to have potential to be deleted without warning one day? Is every thought I have really worth putting up for the whole world to judge? Is any of this even compatible with being a human? When I go to somewhere like Tumblr (and this could happen anywhere), I will sometimes say something that grabs a lot of attention and agreement from others and I feel like I accomplished something. Hell, when people I know irl gain internet clout (oh wow, I dated the pepsi particles guy!) I STILL get an inkling of accomplishment within me as if fame and success is just around the corner. This is such a sinister element to being online, I think, because we keep thinking this is going to be our big break in some way. I guess it used to work like that, but really it's just a lottery that doesn't even make much money. I know I'm getting pretty cynical here, but likes on a Tumblr post doesn't mean a book deal, at least not when you don't even have a manuscript to pitch. Tell me, what do you think is worth spending an hour or more on every night? Of course, my hypocrisy doesn't elude me and I realize that's getting into a danger zone of grindset culture, but what I'm really trying to say here is that taking time to make what matters to you instead of something that might gain social media traction is so much more important. Just because it feels good doesn't always mean it's good FOR us, if anything theres a huge change this stimulation we feel is because of a system made specifically to condition us into coming back for more. Like a slot machine, we scroll or refresh the app to see if we've had any feedback, or if anything that makes us feel something is posted. Once something hits, we're ready for another round because truly, we will never find enough.
Okay, as to not end on a serious note, I hope everyone is having a great year so far. There's so much joy to be had, and so much out there to experience. I wish you success and clarity, and for all of us to find the social life that works best for us. We can do it! :) - 3/24/23: Drew a little picture of my GW2 character. I'm probably going to work on it more, but I'm tapping out for now.
Also as I said in the updates, I've got a "current obsessions" page and a new blog! Hope ya'll like it! Remember, you're able to comment on nearly every element in this website now, which means you can give more specific feedback. I'm going to try to make more stuff for you guys to enjoy, meaning I'm always open to new ideas.
- 3/15/23: AAAAAND we've got comments! Comment boxes everywhere! Even here! Scoll down and tell me how you REALLY feel, and be sure to do it in all my blogs!
- 2/21/23: I'm not dead lol! I've been just doing a bunch of stuff, more embroidery, started playing Guild Wars 2, and I'm trying to learn more about the technical side of using acrylics before I just jump in there and waste my canvas and paint haha. I am excited to get started, but I'm always nervous for those first few days of sucking at it really bad. It hurts to watch yourself be really bad at something! It can be hard to want to keep going! I'm going to try my best and just sort of cycle through doing things I want to improve at the best I can. You know, being able to start new things, get better at old things I had forgetten, just always having something fun to do with myself without any real pressure kind of reminds me how things used to be when I felt like the world was in my hands. I used to dream of being in the situation I'm in now and I need to honor that. I have more free time than many other people and while I may not have much money I have a bunch of cool stuff I can do, and who knows? Maybe one day someone will like something I make, whatever it is, enough to throw me a couple dollars for it! That's the dream, right? But first I want to be good enough that I feel like I could actually make something without fear of complete failure. And yeah, blah blah an artist is never satistfied or whatever, but I used to be better at making art than this, and I'm really meaning more on like a productivity sense versus a capability sense. I will say that I'm on such a fence about using things like shortcuts when they're availible to me, because what if someone could tell and thinks that means I suck? Or what if I'm just wasting my time and effort making something that could be better looking and easier to make? I mean, I really like putting these weird little tools and stuff to use, like a digital collage element that I think add demension to my otherwise very flat style. I suppose someone could say I just need to learn how to better color and draw textures, but it's not like I'm not giving that a try too. I'm doing both and you'll just have to take my word for it. Doing all this stuff like starting new hobbies and learning new skills, isn't this how retired people live? Or how it feels to go back to college when you're middle aged? I don't know, it feels fun but kinda lonely too. In the gc I feel like I just log in, respond to one thing, send a few "hey check out this cool thing I found" links and roll out awkwardly. I think I'm just THAT socially stunted. I've had a couple good conversations with people there, though, and oh god, it's like smoking crack to my shut-in antisocial brain. It's a good thing, but wow do I have to hold back from spazzing out. How lame lol. I guess that's kind of expected, I only see my best friend one day of the week, I don't really text people or call people, and I don't think talking to my husband or my parents really count (does it??). I wonder if other people are going through something like this. I used to be overclocked on socializing CONSTANTLY because of my previous job, with coworkers and coked-out casino patrons asking for coffee at 3am, and coked-out line cooks making conversation inbetween customers, while I'm on free espresso shots and my dab pen all day, the conversation was fucking FLOWING! And it was great, and the company we worked for was awful, but I'll never say I really hated it. Even when people got taken away on stretchers and yelled in my face (I yelled back, because that's the kind of place you're at honey! Now get out of that fucking seat of I'll call security!), even when millionares invited me to their hotel room (not allowed, and yeah I would have been caught...not worth the risk lol), I met some really great people. And I mean it, because I married one, became best friends with another, and my best friend also had a kid with another!! And they're still together. Wow, it's no wonder I feel like I'm not socializing enough or properly. I'm from bizzaro land where every day was kinda a party or at the least an anime convention without the cosplay. Maybe that's really what I'm missing here, I haven't really gone out or gone to a convention in a while. I love places where strangers are just all talking with each other and I swear that is so hard to find these days. I need to join a club or something where I can just walk up to people like I'm a kid with the whole "hey, what's your name? I'm C, and I'm this many years old!" *holds up 30 fingers*. Perhaps the tendrils of social media are deeper than I thought, turning everyone away from all these social gatherings that used to totally slap. Even just getting drunk at the kareoke bar down the road (though I really don't like drinking anymore) sounds like a blast just to be in a crowded bar butchering Evanescence like I used to. Was the pandemic really the killing blow to this kind of stuff? Do people miss it enough to make a change yet?
- 2/10/23: So my 20's are over for real now! What a wild time it all was. I think it's rather serendipitous that on my last week of 29, everyone in my life was just so great to me, more than usual. I think it's been a lot of work and a lot of mistakes, along with a lot of hurting people and hurting myself, and with it all a lot of learning, that really felt like the bullshit has really been worth something this past week. I've just gained this really great support system, with my husband (duh lol), my best friend, my family, and even the discord group I've been talking to, everyone has just been so thoughtful and kind and really great at making me feel like I matter as a person, just simple stuff like a bunch of "happy birthday!"s on discord and my friends coming over and buying food for us, seeing my godson light up at all the fun stuff to do at my apartment, getting to talk with my parents more honestly and sincerely, and to top it all off, recreational sales began this past week so ya'll KNOW what kind of shopping I went to do lol. Jules (husband person guy) said to get whatever I wanted, and then we went to the huge antique mall (Brass Armadillo), got Chipotle, and just plain had an awesome day. Nah. it was an awesome week really. Even hanging out with him in the studio was pretty fun and great to hear the progress he's made on each song. I really want to push him to get his own website like this where he could at least post part of the songs and anything that doesn't make the cut just so I can be all "see? he's really not that bad at this!" I would say if he kinda sucked tbh i've got no way to lie about stuff like that it just eats me alive to not be honest about something like that. I know I'm not that great of an artist by any means, I've spent YEARS out of practice and I just don't do it often enough to be very good at it. I know this and it's fine. I feel weird when a person would act like I've got the greatest stuff on earth because uhh, yeah you don't have to push yourself to like it this much man. I appreciate that you like it but let me show you what inspires me since you've never seen anything better. I don't suck but I'm not professional quality and that's okay. I'm not trying to be the best I'm just making stuff. Idk it's hard to describe this without seeming like a dick haha! I appreciate all compliments I get, seriously, but you don't have to go so hard to make me feel good about what I make, I would rather just be another interesting thing to look at and maybe we connect over it. I ain't solving world hunger over here. We both know this.
Ahh, so anyway what was I saying? Turning 30 was actually really awesome. I am so much the opposite of the growing pains of my early 20's it's crazy. I'm getting into more hobbies now, I've just picked back up embroidery and I'm going to try to start painting with acrylics soon. I'm trying to consistently talk to people in the discord, my best friend, and my family, because I really do struggle with human connection but when I make it it's really great and heals me! I'm reading books still, but a bit slower, and I'm trying to keep myself exercising regularly because it's been fun to do and clears my head. I've been really making choices that make me feel more human and it feels great. Most of this comes at the cost of less Tumblr usage, which is my only social media site, and I think that's good. I'm starting my 30's off with really learning not just who I am but who in my life are compatible with me. I feel like this sort of quality jump could only happen when I understood I just can't be everything to everyone and no one can be everything to me, but I can still have standards and not exhaust myself too. Also I'm human, I need to realize I'm way more predictable than I think I am, and that's okay. Being the most unique is not even worth it, Idk why I spent so much time into thinking that I needed to be the most weird person or I wouldn't have any value. Anyway, dear reader, it's a new era and I have no idea what's ahead! Neither do you. - 2/5/23: I finally got some drawing done, it's based on a photo, but I still really like how it turned out. Just nice to have an image I definitely can put to use on here lol.
- 2/4/23: Five more days left of my 20's. I've been trying to brainstorm what sort of content I want to put on here. I just want to have a bunch of stuff here because for once I feel motivated to be creative. I have some actual creative drive and I don't want to let it fade! Anyway, I just saw this post on Tumblr and I can't stop thinking about it.
- 1/24/23: Jesus christ what did I just read on Erowid. Here It's been a while since I had been to the website, I gotta say I missed reading random trip reports for super obscure substances I will never get a hold of. Anyway I'm going to try to find a way to link to the site and maybe even feature a page of my favorite trip stories on here. I assume this must be wild if you've never even had anything similar. I'd be interested in feedback regarding that! Leave it in my chatbox, I'm going to try to find a comment/guestbook feature to add soon!
- 1/17/23: What am I doing: Still playing these funky tunes lol. I must preach about the healing power of solitude, good music, smoking a bowl of loud, and a good library book. Also some coffee. That's really all I need to be happy, actually! Also used one of the new candles I got for xmas for the first time. I don't regret not going to band practice with the husband lol. The recording studio is super cramped anyways....and as lame as it seems to ignore a literal bonafide rock and roll album happening next to me...I just wanna read my book or play my Gameboy (currenly on FFTA) lol, they've been working on this thing for a very long time. I'm an only child, I like my alone time! also hearing the same song 200 times in a row in one sitting is not fun no matter how much you love the songs and the person behind them.
- 1/16/23: Been really into deep house and funk DJ sets lately. I'm just jamming to this . kinda . stuff while I do everything! I'm certainly dancing a lot more. Really helps me get in that headspace I've digged for a while, outside of current time; with the accumulation of my best sensory memories and ready to make some new ones. It's like I'm entering a certain timeline with all the best parts of my history, and I'm just weaving more of it, while the future seems bright and I feel my most capable. OOOORRRR it's just a good moment in the hormone cycle lol. We can never really know for sure. Another blog I've come across has me thinking about rituals and how they work within my own life. (in her blogs section, btw) I wonder if adopting the "ritual-based" mindset would help people decide better what they actually want to do with themselves, and perhaps help us make decisions that are actually good for us. Are we not, to some extent, the sum of our rituals? I wonder if this is the sort of detail vital to improve one's mental health, give themselves better direction, all while building a skill at the optimal pace.
this post.
check this out while you're at it.
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