The ramblings of DecadentDream

old writing links:

Above images are links to older stuff I've written, it's very likely that I feel differently or simply would phrase things differently today. Below are more current stuff I've written; not quite a blog, closer to a brain dump or a rant. Enjoy!

This is about college. And honestly, this is just a whole rant that probably should have stayed in the drafts. But it didn’t. I don’t have a college degree. I also have a learning disability. I am very lucky to have been able to waste a few years struggling in college. I blame much of my failure to complete college to my upbringing, with the jist of it being due to lacking emotional maturity, self discipline, serious lack of real world experience and understanding, and seriously crippling social anxiety. I blame myself for much of my failure, but some of it comes from simply not knowing any better. I do have to thank my campus clinic for being the first place to diagnose my ADHD and do what they thought was best to help me at the time. I also have to thank the “Study Skills” (or something close to that it was called) for showing me how to actually plan out my time and what it meant to study in a way that actually makes a difference, which is something I was never ever shown how to do before. Unfortunately I was made to take this class when it was too late. I’m a bit shocked when I see such intense defense of college and universities on Tumblr. I mean, sure, I understand the value, but I guess in my corner of it Tumblr is the Class Consciousness Site that would realize fairly quickly that a certain issue isn’t isolated to some group of stupid or lazy people but a symptom of a wider problem inside and outside the walls of a college dorm or classroom. Specifically, the fact that more working class people are attempting to get a college degree not because it’s something they can afford, or have the time for, but something they are told they need even if the job is entry level and pays below living wage. Of course this is almost entirely the fault of those demanding this, but I think that fact doesn’t mean most of the for profit learning institutions are without blame. It seems like every time this possibility that acedmia might hold some of the keys needed to unlocking a solution to this growing issue is touched on, those who are employed in the industry and have stake in it take full offense to the bid for empathy and misinterpret the call for reform as a call to dismantle their livelihood and accessible knowledge itself. But has this knowledge ever really been that accessible? Because that’s the part that academia has done a good job at pretending it’s not complicit in: The well off and privileged are absolutely the bulk of their clientele, and have been since it’s inception. Of course many involved in academic culture would never hide such a fact when approached, but fail often to first mention, and when it is mentioned, minimize the effect of this history. Of course, it’s hard to face the fact that your lifestyle and livelihood is possibly in part unnecessary polish (perhaps it is not), but to continue to pretend the road to a college degree is somehow a mostly perfect system is only going to continue to frustrate those desperate to be understood, to the point of sowing vitriol. The elitism is exhausting, and the constant obsession over precise language is a waste of time to those of the poorer working class, and the finger pointing to students making choices out of desperation is hateful and fruitless. Oh, should the students work harder? Should they push themselves? Or is it more likely that the very structure of a classroom is unfavorable to learning, college costing anything provides not only a financial barrier to knowledge in multiple ways, but this barrier of class has created a foundation of a lifestyle that in it’s very core values fails to recognize the struggle of the oppressed classes. I don’t know what else to say past that it’s in a glass house, but I’ll keep yapping anyway. I am by no means knocking the value of knowledge. In fact, I would love it if every person in their 20’s (and beyond) could spend all their time an energy working on their understanding of the world, unlearning their worst traits and past misinformation, and practicing being more disciplined for themselves and themselves alone. There is so much good that college can be, and learning isn’t even the whole of it. However, the way this knowledge can be accessed is incredibly flawed. So much of academia has indeed become an upper and middle class echo chamber that fails to foster empathy for the lower class struggle and instead seems to just consume the perspective of oppressed classes in order to add to a growing collection of “things known”, simply to remain unused when this knowledge can matter most, and is much most difficult to apply, and instead becomes a topic of discussion and writing, perhaps sometimes of art, and much less of change in policy and structure. The growing sentiment among conservatives and the political right is misguided, at best, but not totally without truth; academia has failed to express it’s value among working class and skill based workers, while asking for a premium cost many of them cannot afford. Top this off with years of focus in regards to issues of class that are much more cerebral versus what tangibly and currently effects their community. Worse yet, the information needed to understand why some of these target issues matter is behind a paywall; of time, money, and transportation, assuming this person has no physical or learning disabilities. Is it really any shock that a bunch of rednecks stay ignorant when they were originally cut off frrom the knowledge and perspective that could have changed them? At this point, it’s probably too late, because now a bunch of financially savvy people in leadership realized making access to this as uncool and inaccessible as possible to this demographic is the key to remaining in control. Academia missed it’s window of opportunity, and I can only imagine the desire for profit being the motivator for this. Remember, class consciousness, while I’m sure was quite present on many 90’s and early 2000’s college campuses, failed to wield enough power to change all that needed to in regards to providing easier financial access to degree programs and living arrangements, disability accommodations, and transportation. Of course scholarships helped, but with the incredible costs of dedicating years of one’s life to a degree, it’s hard to say those solved the main issues with the structure, but instead served to confirm the validity of the rising expenses. This is to say nothing of the serious issues with the units of measurement used to verify if a student has truly learned the material or not. It’s strange, when you know that there is no true universal way of measuring someone’s understanding of a subject and yet this element has failed to dramatically evolve over time due to any testing this structure itself has gone through. I’m sure the memorization of dates and the ability to convince a teacher of understanding seems foolproof to a lot of people who need it to be, but I am shocked that every single subject is tested within very similar means, knowing how wildly different they can be in how they’re understood and even taught. In my own experience in my own jobs, there is much of what I consider to be knowledge that elevates your performance unable to be taught or tested in these conventional ways. Some of it, however, is technical knowledge that can not only be taught on the job but the text or teacher can almost always be referred back to quickly and easily. Of course I am just one person with about 6 jobs in my life under my belt. But I have talked with many others who have the same experiences. Genuinely, I think many of us wonder if college really can offer us what we need in it’s curriculum or if we’ve been had and now we’re all in varying amounts of debt and lost time. I think many of those who live and breathe college and the few career paths it favors would assume we’re simply lacking the secret knowledge to know that it Really Matters, or that we must be some combo of too stupid and too lazy not to realize the truth that stands in our face. Perhaps, to them, we are just bitter we partied our way through these years and failed to honor the sacred institution that almost is never in the wrong. Maybe our feeble redneck minds couldn’t understand the textbooks that cost hundreds out of our pockets, we’re angry we had to confront The Truth About the World and our small town biases. Or maybe we chose the wrong degree and now we’re getting our just punishment for it. From their eyes, it seems it’s always just take-your-pick. I’m sure my shit grammar and some wrong detail here and there in this essay/rant has distracted and enraged a certain type of person to the point of completely missing mine. And perhaps, this is fine. Perhaps waiting to be understood and cared about is a waste of time and energy right now. I’m not sure appealing to empathy is really going to work these days when it’s easier to stereotype me as some flavor of “you don’t get it” because I’m not on my knees begging for understanding, I am standing and expressing my annoyance with all my frustration on display. I do not think just because you’re more intelligent than me, and have more academic experience than me, that you matter more than I do. That my perspective matters less and that my grievances shouldn’t be taken seriously. I see the methods of manipulation used when other people like me say something and I’m sick of playing that game. (so I won’t. I’m just going to say what’s on my mind and leave it at that. I will most likely not respond to debate about this, which I am aware makes me a hypocrite, but I don’t see the use of debating when I know there’s going to be little mutual understanding, it just seems like it’s going to be an emotional mess since I’ve also started this discussion off emotionally) things that are related to this that have begun to lose my trust: -psychology industry -therapy industry -journalism industry -postmodernism (not in a weird right wing way, but in a “we lost the plot and now marginalized people suffer for it” way) as you might expect, most of my issues lie in these things becoming profit motivated. addition: And if I can add to all of this, I have to ask: If the 40 hour work week has been shown to be antithetical to productivity, and can even be harmful to the worker, why is this the standard for most college degree programs? Of course you do in some way have a choice, except things like financial assistance comes into play, which it usually does. Not only that, but 8 hours a day for classes doesn’t factor in time to study or do homework. This amount of work being systemically forced onto most students (and almost all the disadvantaged ones) is overwhelming to the average person, and even more painful for those with disabilities. Seriously, why is 4 years the standard in the first place, and why is there little flexibility in how classes are paced? I actually think I would have responded well to a four hour class every weekday about the same subject until that class was complete, and I feel very confident saying I would have easily passed a class structured this way and perhaps even taken on another while either working or sudying in the extra time given. But from what I was told and made to do, this was not an option. Why? Why do I need to have so many subjects at once if my goal is to land a career that will likely not reflect this schedule? If much of the knowledge is compounded, it should be no issue that I choose to learn it at a different pace, and chronologically at that. I fail to understand why I need to be molded into this type of person to be worthy of a degree. Could this all be an extension of the public school system’s original motivator, which is to mold compliant and competent workers? I thought what mattered here was learning, but when I try to learn the way that fits myself best, that doesn’t seem to cause anyone else problems, I’m told this can’t be done. Is that actually true? And to touch on online classes, yes I do enjoy them, since they’re all I can really do but unfortunately every class isn’t offered online during my time. However, I do love in person discussion. I’m actually WAY more articulate and capable in person only by merit of most people better suited for text discussion. I think there’s a lot of subtle nuance in conversation irl that will never make it to the internet, even with video calling. I don’t think being made to do classes online is the answer to my personal issues but I suppose it beats nothing. What annoys me is that some classes I’ve heard are now expecting attendance to zoom-style classes that kill a lot of what makes the online class have appeal for me in the first place, which is self-paced self study and fewer deadlines. Honestly, I think teachers are failing to understand how to make the classrom structure most efficient to their students, but it’s also possible this is something forced from the top, or even a byproduct of the teachers also being overworked. So, I conclude my addition, but I really hope I haven’t come across as someone wanting to kill people’s teaching jobs or as if I’m some anti-intellectual type. I’m not. I know I am severely under-educated in a lot of things, and I’m just at a real loss when it comes to understanding why people like myself deserve to waste their money and fall through the cracks with nothing to show for it. I guess I just get so frustrated that every entry level job I know I have the skills and experience (perhaps if the employer actually contacted the references!) will auto-reject my application if it doesn’t say I have a degree. At this point, I have considered just lying on the resume because I doubt I would ever get caught anyway. I don’t WANT to lie, or cheat, or anything like this to get something, but I am starting to feel less and less like I have a choice in the matter. I don’t have the money to go back to college and I doubt there’s any special financial aid for people like me. But even if there was, despite all the hard work and expertise I’m capable of, I fear it simply won’t be good enough to earn a degree under the same conditions that failed me before. I think there’s a lot of people who can relate in some way, and I think it’s the easy way out to assume myself and other people are at fault entirely for that.

I mean, when you think about it therapy really is based in philosophy of being a person. It’s no wonder even a degree can’t save you from being shit at it. I know the idea of a therapist not being quality or trustworthy can be a touchy subject for many, because for some people, therapy was a life saving move. Hell, I consider some of the therapy I’ve had to be pretty worth going to, because it helped me reframe a lot of my thinking during times when I needed to. But I think about the vulnerability I had back then and how that could have been easily taken advantage of. I think about how there were many other things I needed to learn and be told that didn’t reach me. I think about the huge amount of people who are looking for therapy right now and how easy it is to get stuck with one that even if they mean well, could have a very flawed approach. Actually, the more you really think about what therapy is aiming to do and how it aims to do it, it starts to fall apart under just how fuzzy it all becomes. Who has discovered the fool-proof, most efficient way to think and approach their lives, if anyone? And if that supposed thing exists, what is the best way to teach it to someone, who is usually under duress? I mean, have we? I’m all for CBT when it can bring people out of trauma or circular thinking, but I know it doesn’t much help to give for someone experiencing genuinely unfair systems that hold them back. I am sure many therapists have an agreed upon method for all kinds of setbacks and conditions, but I am skeptical that every supposed cure is definitive science and not just what is taught to be most efficient. I am sure when good evidence is there it’s taken into heavy consideration, but this is something where much of the data is self reported. I also have to be honest, there’s really no safety nets for malice or incompetence in this practice that I know about. If you get told you actually need to find a religion to be less depressed, and you are a minor, there’s really nothing you can do but pretend to do that. I would know, that was my first experience with a therapist lol. Of course I learned quickly that religion has bought and sold many of these people, and adjusted what I told them accordingly. How much help it would have been if this person had not only a better understanding of how mentally damaging magical thinking is, but how growing up an ADHD female has it’s own unique challenges that shaped my growing self-hatred. Even just understanding the loneliness of being an only child with overprotective parents would have helped me a lot more than telling me to find some sort of religious practice to waste my time on. How could it be that other kids my age were providing better advice and healing than a grown man with a degree in advice and understanding? Of course I’ve been biased from the start, but I did keep trying. Something I noticed about the therapy from when I was a child vs an adult is how strangely cold they seemed towards me and my issues. I’m sure on some level they found me to just be a spoiled weirdo child, whining about how hard it is to be a kid who shuts themselves off from her peers to play video games and read comic books. But when I look back I see someone going through hard things for the first time, who was never told or shown that it’s okay to make mistakes, who was never given any freedom or privacy, which led to a lot of difficulty knowing not only what it means to be respected, but how to demand it for myself without feeling extreme guilt. I can tell you as an adult that anyone who I feel is trying to make me feel guilty, however justified, makes me feel an extremely strong wave of hate instead. I have zero trust for anyone who ever wants me to feel guilt ever again. I am lucky this didn’t manifest further into completely eroding my ability to feel empathy at all, but I suspect I would have if I let my parents choose my adulthood therapists. My main therapist in adulthood, which still I haven’t talked to in about 10 years now, was not a bad lady. But at this point I had stopped talking too much about any depressive thoughts and was more wanting to work on my crippling anxieties and newly found ADHD. So when I say she helped me by talking about techniques to handle my ADHD, I do mean that. My anxiety issues really didn’t get solved, and my ever increasing doses of aderall made the anxiety issues WAY worse, basically putting me even more on edge and scared to do anything, other than smoke cigarettes, drink diet coke mixed with cheap vodka, and play gatcha games on my phone while hiding somewhere in my car. Such a fulfilling life! I was just trying to survive until the next day because I had completely given up on the idea that I could even have potential to be anything in life or that I would be able to do anything involving taking care of myself independently. Of course I could shower, but I certainly hated the way the water feels on me, but I’m told I can’t cook or clean to save my life, and I can’t figure out how to pay a bill or show up to work on time or often enough, and I believed that and made those things true. The only times I think I felt better was when I was laughing at other people I thought were beneath me. Life with degrading empathy is a hard one. I feel tired and sad just remembering it all. I felt completely alone and like no one would really get my issues so I kept them pretty quiet except for maybe vent blogs on tumblr. I instead tried my best to make the conversations with my therapist pleasant and do what I did in every conversation back then; which is anything I can do to make the other person like me and think I’m funny, smart, and charming. Like everyone else in my life I needed her to like me and I needed her to like me more than most of the people she talks with. I needed to win that contest every time, with every person. Each loss of that would feel like being stabbed. I stopped making art around this time once I was completely dropped out of college. I didn’t even want to think about art again. My friends were either moving away or just becoming sick of my bullshit because of how angry and opinionated I was getting on social media, at a time when they were also getting a bit more intense about politics than usual. I really doubled down to one-up them for no reason other than wanting to feel like I had the smartest opinion in the room. It was cringe, tbh, and now I’m sure that’s why they’re not even that enthused when I reached out to them again. I tried to show them I’m less of an asshole now, but it makes sense that they wouldn’t really care at this point once they realized being without me is completely livable and fine. Which is fair, I really can’t be bitter at anyone other than myself. I don’t even know if I would want to content many of them again, because so many of them are just going to want to talk on Discord or something while I’m wanting to see them in person For Real, either going out for a coffee, a drink, or just at my house for a smoke or something. I don’t think anyone really hangs out like that much anymore without weeks to months of the weird texting or messaging rituals that I genuinely cannot stand. Even facetime or phone calls are exhausting and annoying to me. Just see me in person or write/type me a letter. Does anyone else feel this way? Last night I had a pretty good time with my husband and brother in law just watching youtube and talking. Even if it wasn’t anything special, I liked it more than any chat on Discord I’ve ever had. I’m not built for this era lol. But anyway, my skepticism still remains even with the “good ones” because most of our expensive hang outs were just us talking about our exes or just whatever was going on in life. I think she could tell I needed a friend badly and knew it would be easier to just keep it all light instead of pushing me to work on my issues. And I feel that can be a bit of a pitfall, because truthfully while I appreciate a kind demeanor immensely, I think she could have gently tried to push me to getting down to business to approach my issues in a way that made them less overwhelming to me. At the very least, she could have helped me find the language I sorely needed to express what I’m going through, and how to look at my actions and limits uncritically. I cannot express how much neutrality really did save me in terms of how I approach myself. A lot of my issues were really stemming from everything I did dripping with emotion and drama when I desperately wanted to escape from it. I would in turn respond with being as angry and unemphatic as I could to anything happening to anyone else. I regret that of course, but it’s the wallowing in self hatred and emotion in general that I regret the most. I am a sensitive person. I feel a lot and I feel strongly. That’s actually a pretty strong ADHD symptom, and I wish I had known that when I was so overwhelmed I could barely breathe as a teenager. But I didn’t, and I’m just glad I made it through somehow. I was also the type to really buy into the whole “other people have it worse, so you should feel bad for feeling bad” kind of bullshit that people will run others through. So of course, to feel better about my own feelings being worthless to myself, I had to make others feel as small and unloved as I did. I think if anyone had given me honest compassion during those times I would have either ran away or responded with violence or something. That shit would have taken me out in one hit because of how weak I was. I know there was this talk about how being lonely, of what I assume is the metal distress that comes with chronic loneliness, is actually physically bad for you. That kinda worries me lol, because I spent YEARS crying every night out of loneliness, along with years of drinking and smoking cigarettes and my weight going up and down so uhhh am I fucked? I’m really trying my best to get healthier but sometimes I think about that and wonder if 29 was too late to bounce back from it all. Maybe I’m gonna be okay, and I guess it’s just better to assume that and keep trying to do better. I really do feel so much better and more capable than I used to. I suppose we’ll just see. Something that really bothers me is seeing all these therapists on social media like TikTok where they are obviously trying to either sell their practice or gain enough internet clout to be famous. Actually, there’s got to be something a little unwell about wanting to be famous in general, even with the understanding it could lead to financial stability, because I don’t think humans are meant to be known by that many humans. I don’t think it’s normal to create a presentable online persona specifically so people like you and consume videos of you. I used to be addicted to making myself likable because it felt so safe and I would dream of the rewards of someone liking me so much that they gave me things or did stuff for me. I would daydream and wish so hard that people would like me so much they would come together and make me a surprise party like on TV shows...when in reality I would struggle to reach out to anyone ever and most people wouldn’t remember my birthday if Facebook hadn’t told them about it. And really, when had I done the same for anyone else? I never made a surprise party for anyone and I don’t think I remembered their birthdays much either. So why was I so obsessed with the world giving me excess praise and attention? To be honest, this AI chatbot boom would have been a big deal for me back then. Helpful? Maybe. Getting to program an anime girl to tell me how amazing I am, and give me good morning texts when I woke up at 2pm would probably have made me a bit worse but I would have hurt less real people with how sour I was. Fake people I could bully and gossip to would have definitely made me worse but it would have beat the hours I spent on 4chan with other losers. A therapist chatbot would probably have about the same results but I would have had much more time to talk to them at any point, so I really don’t know. I gave Pi a chance a few times these past couple years and it does have the ability to talk me through my emotional sensitivity, but it fails to understand my dramatic responses are not always looking at the situation rationally, so it will agree with any frustration I might feel about whoever and tell me I need to essentially tell them to do better or stop talking to them, which doesn’t factor in that I could be an unreliable narrator and simply in the wrong. I look back after cooling down on my conversations there and see the reasoning behind validating my feelings but I also see how endless validation in our interactions can warp someone’s sense of reality and have them fail to realize their part in the distressing experience. Of course, this is where I have to say the one size fits all approach will just never work. Sometimes you need a bit of a push to see you’re being irrational, and sometimes you need to know that not only how you feel but why you feel it is completely okay. Therapists sometimes feel like a well meaning relative who’s trying to make you feel better but doesn’t really understand that you’re parents don’t hate you and are abusive; they’re just (as an example) not going to let you go to a concert alone or whatever because they’re genuinely concerned for your safety and can’t go with you. Then again, some therapists are incapable of realizing the deliberate behavior to demean you, disrespect your boundaries, and deny you a certain amount of privacy is not you being a brat or ungrateful, but instead legitimate distress that this person needs advocating for. Therapists are either people or made by people, which means they’re going to have the very human flaws that therapy is essentially meant to call out and navigate. Of course someone from a christian background wouldn’t understand a childs very normal need for reasonable privacy, or understand any frustrations they may deal with in regards to sexism or homophobia, because those are things they feel are normal and justified. This is what normal is to them, so when they’re told they are abnormalities, they will deflect and say you must be abnormal for having an issue with it, and need to work on making sure you don’t feel that way any more. They will tell you it’s because you haven’t learned the right self talk to diminish what they feel is a made up problem out of delusion. Do you see why I get a bit worried for the kids they’re working with? And of course, who is the person with the perfect opinions or viewpoints that gets to be the flawless Alpha Therapist? Can such a thing really exist? The entire process is much too human and fuzzy. I don’t think anything made by a human is going to suffice as a replacement, either, because it’s going to be trying to emulate an amalgamation of imperfect people. I can only wonder if maybe a set of multiple people or pseudo-people in a council could come closer to being a good therapy experience because you could be advocated for in many ways through many philosophies. But damn, if finding one therapist is either impossible or expensive, I know getting a group of them to duke out how to best handle your ADHD, depression, or whatever would go crazy. I actually think reading books for what ails you mentally can be a good idea. I think it’s just important to know about who wrote these books and what they have connections with. And honestly, most self help books are out there to sell courses and have strong connections to churches like the lds church in particular. You may find that books about philosophy help you best. You may also enjoy books that are critical of social norms like I do, because reading a lot of atheist books really helped me understand why the people around me act the way they do. History is a great thing to learn about too, but I hope you look for many sources and viewpoints and not just one white guy posturing his bias. It’s crazy how learning can be this healing thing when you’re not just learning about current events that depress you. The less spoken element to mental health is the physical one, not for lack of being spoken about in the past, but more because we’re sick of being told to go for a run or do yoga when we can’t even get out of bed. But it does change how I can handle things; more vitamin D and protein helps me have more energy to tackle my day, feeling satiated helps me think more rationally, and moving around helps my body know it needs to stay awake and releases a lot of my stress. It’s just the truth that our bodies need attention and care if we want the brain to operate better, too. I think a lot of people who have good therapy experiences usually have something akin to a mentorship, where the person might have similar life experiences with what they’re dealing with. It’s why I don’t think I ever want a guy therapist personally. But I’ll admit I do struggle getting along with people in my exact age range so maybe there’s more to it than just matching identities. I know if I found an older, equally nerdy chronically online type woman who loves messy art projects I would be in her office every time I could afford it, even if I don’t need anything. And maybe that’s the real thing myself and others need, which is permission to have a friend to talk to and be vulnerable around. The truth is that you’re going to have to be that for them, too, so it’s not like someone is out there to be your end all, be all person. That’s just not a thing that really exists. Which means you have to get out there and start talking to real people and maybe even reading a book or two. I guess a lot of what I’m typing is to vent and process what I’ve been through, but maybe this is still worth reading to someone out there. However for me, most of it’s worth is from writing it.

Social media critique

Aka my my little manifesto of some sort (as of 2025 is in serious need of a rework)

Social media is becoming more and more critiqued these past couple years. I'm not an expert, I don't claim to be, but I am a person who has been addicted to different types of social media and have grown more and more cynical of it over the years, also. I think the older I get the more I can see how clearly social media damaged my mental health and the mental health of my peers. I think a lot of the social media that has been causing damage has been what can best be called "corprate social media" or "profit-driven social media". I support the individual online tying to make a living, but I am suspect of the entity driven by only growth and maximizing profit. I am always trying to keep an open mind in this changing internet landscape, and there's so much I have to learn. Here's what I've learned and have read so far. Enjoy!

Social media is not self-expression

Narrative Collapse

"In late-stage capitalism, there is little space for imperfections." Especially regarding our percieved moral purity online. "

"We tend to think that the internet is a communications network we use to speak to one another—but in a sense, we’re not doing anything of the sort. Instead, we are the ones being spoken through."

I should let it be known that I don't want to make you feel bad for using social media. The way I wouldn't judge or look down on anyone who had a dependance on something. I get it, because I've been there. Hell, I might have gone back there and am there right now. But not unlike alcohol is fine on occasion to most, but concerning on a daily basis, it's the excess and a culture that encourages that excess that I feel skeptical about. Honestly, why is it so wrong for someone to abstain? I don't even think a prior social media addiction is needed to want to cut it out of your life completely. To go back to the alcohol thing, none is always better than a small amount, so let's not foget that. It's become such an expected thing for people to engage with the main social media apps that it's extremely concerning for the mental health of the population. Just because something is normal doesn't mean it is good. I just hope maybe I can persuade someone to disconnect for a while and think about what they really want out of the internet, and maybe life. I know cutting social media down to nothing and the occasional almost nothing has vastly improved how I look at my life and the world. I love myself more, I love being on my own more, and I get to love the people in my life and the people I meet even more than I already did. Nothing helped my lonliness more than facing and embracing it without comparing myself to others. I'm not saying you have to do things the way I did, but find your own way to do this. I'm not here to sell you anything, or beg for views or subscriptions, or clicks, I just want to share the joy I've had. Look at the facts and dicide for yourself if social media is something you need in life to improve things, or if it's in the way. And thanks for listening to what I have to say.

Links of places to go where you may find other likeminded folks(I'm still working on this so please have mercy on me lol):
Youtuber Reject Convenience's forum (please join and help them grow!)
Spacehey, a Myspace revival site (obviously this may stretch into being no different than other social media to some)
Paid social media site meant to give a more quality, ad-free experience.
Discord alternative communities. Still growing.
An imageboard you have to send a letter in the mail to post in. Fun idea!
And well, Neocities!

My books

current Obsessions

This is most likely going to be a dead page. To keep things more clear around here, I'm going to stop updating this. Enjoy the corpse!

This is where I talk about the stuff I'm into at the moment. I would love to hear your feedback below and you're welcome to talk about your own! This page is going to be changing and having stuff added to it/taken from it a lot, so stay tuned!

7/24/2024

OMG I AM SO SORRY I've been gone this long. Uggggh I don't even know WHY! Sometimes I just get too tired and then I'm somehow like, scared to touch this place again. Idk even why. I think since I have so many options I've overwhelmed myself with "okay, so what do you want to do for the site?" and I just get so uncomfortable with making a choice that I don't make one at all. I need to get better at making an environment that works for how my brain does, I guess. I've neglected my Bearblog also. I feel really bad!

Recently, I've been trying to search around forums and imageboards to see if any of them would be a good fit for me. Even if none of them are, it's pretty fun to lurk around! Just looking at all the less mainstream social media alternatives is really interesting. I have also been away from tumblr for like 3 months now, which has been pretty good for me. I just get too addicted to scrolling and it's like I'm in a trance just taking in the stimulation....it's very tiring, actually.

I did find this place, which I think I'm going to send a letter to! I have so much stationary, I REALLY want to put it to use. This place would be great for that.
Postbox.garden

Let me share a video (part 1 of a series) that I think people on Neocities would really like.
Using This iPod For 30 Days Changed My Life//Digging The Greats

It's an interesting series of a guy's journey disengaging from algorithms, social media, and he even dumbs down his smartphone. I think his perspective is refreshing, because as much as I live seeing all the people who make videos where they make choices like this, this guy is someone I wouldn't usually see. He's married with kids, has a day job that is very social, and his channel is mainly about music. I can tell this change in his lifestyle really changed him, too. I love seeing a "normie" person understand what I think a lot of people in the downgrade movement (I lack a real name to call it, but you know what I mean, right?) have been trying to show people. That there's another way. That you don't have to be stuck with these things. That you don't have to conform to something that actively hurts you. If anything, I just want people to take the critism against modern tech and social media seriously. I'm not here to falsify it's importance with appeals to emotion; I just want people to try it out and see for themselves. If you do watch all 4 parts, you'll reach something at the very end where to me, is why I find this so important to spread awareness for and even advocate for the option to unplug in the mainstream.

Also, I made a little thing the other day! I resized it in case someone wants to use it to link me back. I guess you can use the big one too, but it's pretty darn big. I might do something with it but idk yet.

Smaller one:

So yeah, bye I guess! Don't be afraid to tell me about any places you hang out online that you think I might dig.

Site plans: I want to show off a picture of my bookshelf not because it's particulary wonderful, but it is a great insight into who I am as a person. I also would love a "what's in my bag" section to be here somewhere. I just have to figure out where. I would LOVE to see other people do this for their sites!! I just think it's a great way to meet someone without seeing their face lol. I hope you become inspired and show me. Steal my ideas!! Please I'm begging lol

5/15/24

It is with a heavy heart and a heavy self-awarenes of my own worsening cringe that I inform you I am now deeply obsessed with Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss.

Tbh I realize why a bunch of kids are into it as it pretty much appeals to every desire to be edgy, to feel like you're understanding of more adult topis and of course great music, great animation with so much to look at, and characters with enough polish to grasp. That being said....that doesn't make it a bad universe by any means. Since my husband is pretty normie but overall scrutinizing (he showed me most popular romantic comedies, and popular tv shows/sitcoms and most aren't too bad) I go by his reaction somewhat. He loved it like I did, a bit less so for Helluva Boss which considering the pacing it has at first I understand. His favorite characters seem to be Alastor and Vox, I don't even need to ask him to know "Stayed Gone" is favorite track lol. I really do love the "more is more" aspect of everyone in design and personality, it gives so much to enjoy and think about. Of COURSE I like Lucifer the best lol. That's a little silly man right there. Silly, awkward, lonely, weird relationship with parents and kind of a spoiled brat....he's literally me lmfao.

Also, if hell's a whole thing somehow, definitely gonna be damned to staying there so him and I have that in common too lol. Anyway, if you're on the fence about giving either of these a try ( I recommend you start with Hazbin) consider these two 30 something's take; myself having the proper cringe history of DeviantArt anime fan art and other dorky fandom internet priming that makes me a prime target for this kind of thing, and a guy who just likes his 80's/90's/2000's movies and tv shows the way most people seem to do: We like it, it's a bunch of fun, very rewatchable, the fluid movements are eye candy. You don't even have to tell anyone that you watch it. It's okay, you can like the cringe thing and no one's going to hurt you. You can even read fanfiction about the thing and it'll be our little secret.

4/3/24

Currently listening to: This dope mix!!

3/28/24

I've got to stop apologizing for not updating as often as I wish I could. Instead, I'm going to accept that I'm just not the type to keep up with things very often, even if I love them. It doesn't mean I have any less love for that thing. Today I am very sick, and so is my husband. We're just here with all this coughing and fevers and feeling really sore ): it's not fun. But I guess it does kinda shake up my brain enough to make me feel like doing something different. Recently I have seen a few Youtube videos that have resonated with me and if you're the type to advocate for using Neocities, then I think it will resonate with you too!

Having a Feeling Instead of Making a Purchase
We Are in a Cultural Depression (my favorite of all of these!)
I Quit my Smartphone for a Year, Gained a Superpower

If you check out any of these, I would be forever thankful. I might actually figure out how to embed these in a seperate page with some other videos in a playlist that I can organize by subject, just so people can enjoy them without having to click away to youtube? I think it would just frame the videos in a better way and I could give my personal commentary on them underneath. Even better, I may figure out how to put a comment section under them so you could give your personal take on them while still on here. I know the comment thing hasn't really popped off on here, but to be fair, I'm not one to comment on other peoples stuff often either, so I suppose I should give before I expect to get anything.

Also! Recently I've been taking more photos with my Instax and I'm really hoping to find a way to make a whole page on here dedicated to all the pictures I've taken with it. So many cute pictures of cat must be shared lol! Honestly I may even make an entire page just dedicated to Constantine and how lovely he is. My spoiled son lol. As always, I'm open for your suggestions and thoughts in any of the comment spaces I've left here. Many times people online will talk about how hard it is to connect with other people, what is it that you think we can do to improve on that? What are you currently doing to make sure your peers feel comfortable casually speaking to you, assuming that is a priority you have? And if it isn't, why is that the case for you? No wrong answers here.

__________________

3/24/23

Recently I've been into curating an older, cozier vibe to what I do. I've been lighting candles, making a warm teapot of tea, laying down on my favorite quilts and just trying to make a cozy space for myself while I read books about crafting, painting, and antiques. It's been fun! I put on some music or rain asmr and really settle into a world away from my devices. I even draw, write in my small journal, and embroider some!

I used to think this was something I had to go back in time to enjoy in full, but that's really not true. You just have to tear yourself away from all the distractions and make new ones that fit what you want to do with yourself.
also
I watched all of Death Note again! It was because my husband hadn't seen it before, and man he LOVED it. Have we got a budding weeb in our midst?? It's honestly a great series, though. Team L all the way baybee ;) I'll probably gush about this more later!

I'm also going back and looking at my old Gothic and Lolita Bibles, I even have an English one (though I know I have more and can't seem to find them).

It's such a dream to look at them, even now. I sometimes think I should start saving up again for a bonafide lolita outfit, that would fit me (I'm a thick girl with a huge chest!) that I could have and wear to make my younger self who CRIED and DESPRATELY WANTED THESE CLOTHES happy. I have some stuff from Milk, AP, and BTSSB but it's all just accessories (and a non-lolita Milk skirt). When I held the items in my hands that I dreamed for so many years to have, I cried. I mean of course I did! Now I'm older, fatter (I consider this a neutral term), and my money is much less than before and needs to go to bills. I don't even know if saving up for something like that would be as worth it as it would have been in high school for me. And what style would I even go with? I think Gothic is the easiest subset to work with, shop for, and flatters my shape the most, but all my accessories are sweet themed. Maybe this is a fantasy that needs closure for the next fashion adventure of mine. It's so hard to dedicate to just one thing!

Coffee Shrine/info

Since this is the only shrine I really have so far, I think it's better to keep this here in the collection/graveyard. It hasn't been updated for a while, and I think it's better to just put it to rest for now.

Welcome to my coffee shrine!

I'm actually a big fan of making and drinking coffee. I mainly make and drink pour-over coffee because it's not only easy to make and fairly cost-effective, but tastes great when freshly made. I've grown up with two parents who are daily coffee drinkers and have been drinking this stuff daily for a few years now. Before I moved out, one of my dreams for having my own place was having a way to have fresh cups of coffee every day to drink while sunshine comes through my window. Well, I'm happy to say I'm enjoying that right now. I'm going to put some links to pour-over coffee basics down below and list some current blends I've enjoyed or are currently enjoying. My goal is to try as much as I can! I usually prefer a light roast. The more kinds I try, the more I'll add to the list.

Here's what the different roast types mean
Here's how to make pour-over coffee
More info
Even more info

Coffee Beans I love:
The Roasterie Kansas City Blend(local flavor, literally lmao)

My equipment: (nothing fancy or sponsored lol)
Link to my electric kettle
Link to my electric bean grinder
lLink to my coffee dripper
Link to disposable coffee filters
Link to my brita filter pitcher
Links to some cute mugs: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ 13/ 14/ 15/

Stay tuned for more stuff to be added!

website updates: pre 2025

I think it's best to clean up my old website update page and put all the old update stuff here. I certainly ramble a LOT on these, lol

Check out the new ones: New Updates

12/16/24: I'm not dead! I've been incredibly busy with moving into a house and I'm reading lotsa books. So I added a book widget! Sorry I haven't been around at all, but honestly I think I needed the break. Now when I say I've moved into a house, I don't mean I've bought one, I'm still renting, but this time my husband and I are living with his brother and splitting the rent, so we have more space for less money. Not too much less, and right now we're incredibly broke, but over time we'll be able to save up. there's so much to unpack and we still have to clean our empty apartment, but right now it just feels good to sit at a kitchen table of my own for the first time since....well, moving out of my parents place lol, and type at my laptop. WAYYY better than sitting on the floor with my small tv tray of a table, with no back support or general comfort lol. I'm still getting used to having this place be home to me, you know? It's getting colder and darker outside too so I just feel all out of whack. I wish I could invite friends over for a party of something lol but the like 2 people I know are too busy all the time. I guess I have a lot I need to be doing, myself. So I don't know when the next update will pop up here. People don't talk about how moving somewhere double the size can be kinda overwhelming. I'm on edge or sleepy a lot! I guess I'm just going to need time to get used to everything. I still haven't forgot that picture of my bookshelf idea I've had, because I really do think once I've got mine moved into the bedroom and set up that it'll be a fun piece of me to show. Even though most of what i read is from the library or an ebook i downloaded lol! I guess that's what this book widget should help take care of. Feel free to recommend me books! Also let me know what kind of youtube videos you'd like to see because I'm getting closer to thinking about it more and more....I couldn't do anything high production but I would love to at least give making a youtube video a serious try. Okay, hope your holidays and new year go well everyone! Byebye!

8/4/24: Made a joint gif you can use lol

7/27/24: Okay so a few things have changed! I've added a couple things and I've moved a few things around. I've changed the look of the site a bit and I'm in the middle of bringing the blinkies and stamps back. Just a reminder, I do post in the Current Obsessions and my Bearblog too, which I realize is confusing mainly because I'm an adhd mess and this is kinda just my whole life lol. Really having fun making Gifs so I might make enough to host a whole page of them. Maybe not though? Gifs take up a lot of space and I'm too broke to afford the paid version yet! Anyway, this and a seprate page of just my photography, no matter how cringe lol. Still workshopping my OCs. Still figuring my shit out lol!

5/22/24: The link out page has actual links to some websites I follow! There's some new pages added too! I've moved a lot of stuff around, mainly for the sake of some half-assed organization that has been sorely needed this past forever. Also, new buttons! Basically just trying to make things more eye-catching, possibly more tacky (cuz I love that tbh), and somewhat of a more coherent look. I'm trying for "website by hippie 70's nerd girl who lives around y2k", which I doubt I'm really nailing but that's the direction that feels the most right for the site look. Basically it's just all the things I like with a little more polish to the harmony. I've always been a fairly chaotic artist and person, so I don't think trying for unity is really worth doing since it goes against who i am as a person. I've started some pages that I'm not sure I'm going to finish, but dammit I am not letting my guilt of not finishing them stop me from being productive here. Still mostly blogging my thoughts on Bearblog, so you know where to find the most recent insane ramblings, and there's a lot tbh. Got a status cafe account in hopes my short thoughts can have a spot to keep the long stuff on my Bearblog and here only, I think I might actually be getting settled on a organization method for my thoughts? Who knows if my brain will be cool enough to let me keep this. I think I'm getting some momentum when it comes to getting stuff done for the site on a regular basis, and I want to keep it going. There's a lot of stuff that I threw a premade image on or swept through in some way that I'm now finally doing something about, and it feels really good. I've done some spring cleaning on the Bearblog, too, and really feel like I'm grabbing onto what I actually want to do with my free time and online presence. I'm getting settled in, and I think I'm just getting started. I've been into DJ sets and playlist for a while, and I often find great ones, maybe I should add a page or something to relfect that? I realize my husband's the musician around here but I feel connected with music also, and have a varied enough taste that I feel like I can curate something new and interesting to passerby, at least. Speaking of passerby, I really appreciate you taking the time to visit this website. I hope you let me know how you feel about it in the guestbook or chatbox. I'm never claiming to be professional, so I hope you don't judge me too harshly. Feel free to stalk me elsewhere I have linked, lol. Byebye!

5/15/24: Alright, I'm not sure what to do with this page, but I've been posting mostly on Bearblog for the past month or so, and I do enjoy using it as a main blog page. With that in mind, I really just wish I could add my old blog posts on there and date them appropriately, but I don't think that feature really exists on there? I really love journaling my thoughts, as you can tell lmao, but I need somewhere flexible and easy enough to use that I can stay there and only there to log everything. As for updates for this site, I've added a coffee page for fun, tweaked a couple minor things, and overall have just been fiddling around in this past month. Not sure what I want to do next on here, but I think some sersious organization is needed. Be ready for some fuckery.

3/28/24: Over a year since I've updated on here! I think a lot of why I avoid coming back here is the pressure to do something big and meaningful, to not be mediocre or predictable, to give this place some huge overhaul that shows future me just how cool and worthy of praise I am. But the truth is, even just little bits of writing here and there are fun to me, even though I'm quick to forget that. I forget how nice it is just to make something small and see something happen from my own hands on here. I get so caught up in how I need to be productive and maximize my time that I become overwhelmed with idea of doing any of my interests or hobbies. I forget that I am capable of these ridiculous thought patterns just like everyone else. I'm always falling prey to the false idea that partially doing things doesn't matter; that it's just as bad as not doing anything at all, but that's just not true! Trying DOES matter, even if I give up halfway, I still have the experience of getting started under my belt. I know I think I can't pick things up again because I've been pretty bad at that in the past, but to be honest with myself I'm even more notorious about never starting things at all. There's so many things I've daydreamed of starting that I've hyped myself out of ever touching. I know I can't be alone with that, but I wonder if I'm looking the solution straight in the face and pretending I don't see it. I'm guilty of that, too. I remember when, in my favorite movie Momoko is afraid to start something that she's spent so long dreaming of, or at least holding in such a high regard. It makes sense, then, that actually stepping up and doing what you've wanted to do feels nearly impossible and terrifying. But what is the solution here? Sometimes, you can't help but feel like something is important. When you're about to get on stage, the first thing you want to do is run, right? When your friend cancels plans to hang out, don't you sometimes feel relief? And when you can postpone working on that hobby that you desperately wish could pay your bills, there's something in you that wants to push it away for a moment. Or perhaps I'm alone here. But I can't help but notice that the tiny promise of money and attention seems to ruin a lot of potential to greatness. I know realistically that everything I do online will not make me a dime in the long run. I really try to make sure I'm not under some grindset illusion when I work on this website which is partially why it takes so long for me to update with anything. On the other hand, I know I would be happier with myself if I did update this place more instead of wasting time scrolling through things and consuming half the media I do without any intention or mindfulness. I know the more I make and create, however mid I may be at it, however ameteur, the clearer everything is and the better I feel. It's a lot like exercising: You know it's good for you not for the results or for the improvement but for the ritual itself. I know the healing is in the habit. I LOVE writing, and I don't care how much my rambling sucks to read! I have to accept that I MUST write every day for my soul to feel complete. I must accept that I have too much to say to keep inside and be mentally well. I am actually quite blessed to have so few eyes on me because it means I am free from the judgement that holds so many of us back from being ourselves.

Actually, I've done some writing outside of here that I'm just not wanting to go back to right now. Nothing against it, but it's served it's purpose of giving me a chance to dump my brain out and give me peace. I felt so great in those moments and I feel good in this one, even if I haven't produced anything that great. That's okay!

I have done something that I consider really good for me. I've completely cut off Tumblr for a month so far. Every time I would go on there, it's mainly just drepressing news or something that doesn't really make the negativity worth it. Now don't get me wrong here; I think that it's important to be aware of current issues that you can make a positive change for, and being informed about current events so that you can vote on them! But there is a balance needed. I shouldn't feel like I have to do my shift of Tumblr and Youtube activism after a shift of work and my household maintainance. I realize it's a privilege to be able to cut these things off for a moment and rest, and that doesn't stop me from needing to do so. I'm actually really surprised at how out of hand some people have gotten about wanting to control other people on the other side of the screen these days. No matter how much you guilt and shame people, they can always just cut you off. Guilt and shame just doesn't work, no matter how worthy the cause. I know that's a hard fact to face. It doesn't mean the world lacks compassion, if anything it's because people are feeling so much compassion, guilt, and empathy that they're overwhelmed and exhausted from the excess. I feel this too, and what helps me most is going to protests, demonstrations, and volunteering in person. It's a lot of fun in a way, you get to meet like-minded people, and you have this entire social experience that you know is helping. I have no money to donate but I love donating my time when I can, and it's really interesting seeing the type of people who actually go out in my local community and try to make a change versus the people who talk big online. It's a huge reality check. I think next time I go I'm going to bring a couple cameras, because I bet that would be an awesome blog post to make!
Anyway, back to cutting out Tumblr. It's been kinda awesome! It's always a bit of a struggle at first, not just needing my stimulation fix but the FOMO and wanting to know what's happening the milisecond it happens. Zooming out takes time. So for a couple days I had to figure out how to handle the boredom, even just sitting and staring out a window a little bit helped me process the time passing. But I'm hitting that point now where I'm okay with not knowing, after taking time to ask myself why I even want to if I'm either not going to do anything or have already done something. A lot of what really makes it hard is because I'm confronting my own isolation and gerneral lonliness. Even earlier today I had a bit of a cry from the sad thought that even though I'm sick, because my husband is also sick, and we have no friends, we have no one who's going to come over and help us through this. His family lives too far and without much transportation, and I haven't talked to my parents in a while so I can't help but worry they'd see me as just talking to them when I need something. I have an awkward relationship with them, honestly. But just realizing that I don't have someone who could just come over and bring us some more Dayquil, or a hot bowl of soup, or even when I'm well could come by and have some tea or coffee with me in the morning. Nothing crazy, just a person to have small talk with and maybe we play a board game or card game together once in a while. I feel the lack of this when I cut myself off from social media and I know you probably do to. I don't know what to do to really solve this, but I don't think social media is the answer. Do I really want my social life to be a product that a company profits from? Do I really want my meaningful conncections with people to have potential to be deleted without warning one day? Is every thought I have really worth putting up for the whole world to judge? Is any of this even compatible with being a human? When I go to somewhere like Tumblr (and this could happen anywhere), I will sometimes say something that grabs a lot of attention and agreement from others and I feel like I accomplished something. Hell, when people I know irl gain internet clout (oh wow, I dated the pepsi particles guy!) I STILL get an inkling of accomplishment within me as if fame and success is just around the corner. This is such a sinister element to being online, I think, because we keep thinking this is going to be our big break in some way. I guess it used to work like that, but really it's just a lottery that doesn't even make much money. I know I'm getting pretty cynical here, but likes on a Tumblr post doesn't mean a book deal, at least not when you don't even have a manuscript to pitch. Tell me, what do you think is worth spending an hour or more on every night? Of course, my hypocrisy doesn't elude me and I realize that's getting into a danger zone of grindset culture, but what I'm really trying to say here is that taking time to make what matters to you instead of something that might gain social media traction is so much more important. Just because it feels good doesn't always mean it's good FOR us, if anything theres a huge change this stimulation we feel is because of a system made specifically to condition us into coming back for more. Like a slot machine, we scroll or refresh the app to see if we've had any feedback, or if anything that makes us feel something is posted. Once something hits, we're ready for another round because truly, we will never find enough.

Okay, as to not end on a serious note, I hope everyone is having a great year so far. There's so much joy to be had, and so much out there to experience. I wish you success and clarity, and for all of us to find the social life that works best for us. We can do it! :)

3/24/23: Drew a little picture of my GW2 character. I'm probably going to work on it more, but I'm tapping out for now.

Also as I said in the updates, I've got a "current obsessions" page and a new blog! Hope ya'll like it! Remember, you're able to comment on nearly every element in this website now, which means you can give more specific feedback. I'm going to try to make more stuff for you guys to enjoy, meaning I'm always open to new ideas.

3/15/23: AAAAAND we've got comments! Comment boxes everywhere! Even here! Scoll down and tell me how you REALLY feel, and be sure to do it in all my blogs!

2/21/23: I'm not dead lol! I've been just doing a bunch of stuff, more embroidery, started playing Guild Wars 2, and I'm trying to learn more about the technical side of using acrylics before I just jump in there and waste my canvas and paint haha. I am excited to get started, but I'm always nervous for those first few days of sucking at it really bad. It hurts to watch yourself be really bad at something! It can be hard to want to keep going! I'm going to try my best and just sort of cycle through doing things I want to improve at the best I can. You know, being able to start new things, get better at old things I had forgetten, just always having something fun to do with myself without any real pressure kind of reminds me how things used to be when I felt like the world was in my hands. I used to dream of being in the situation I'm in now and I need to honor that. I have more free time than many other people and while I may not have much money I have a bunch of cool stuff I can do, and who knows? Maybe one day someone will like something I make, whatever it is, enough to throw me a couple dollars for it! That's the dream, right? But first I want to be good enough that I feel like I could actually make something without fear of complete failure. And yeah, blah blah an artist is never satistfied or whatever, but I used to be better at making art than this, and I'm really meaning more on like a productivity sense versus a capability sense. I will say that I'm on such a fence about using things like shortcuts when they're availible to me, because what if someone could tell and thinks that means I suck? Or what if I'm just wasting my time and effort making something that could be better looking and easier to make? I mean, I really like putting these weird little tools and stuff to use, like a digital collage element that I think add demension to my otherwise very flat style. I suppose someone could say I just need to learn how to better color and draw textures, but it's not like I'm not giving that a try too. I'm doing both and you'll just have to take my word for it. Doing all this stuff like starting new hobbies and learning new skills, isn't this how retired people live? Or how it feels to go back to college when you're middle aged? I don't know, it feels fun but kinda lonely too. In the gc I feel like I just log in, respond to one thing, send a few "hey check out this cool thing I found" links and roll out awkwardly. I think I'm just THAT socially stunted. I've had a couple good conversations with people there, though, and oh god, it's like smoking crack to my shut-in antisocial brain. It's a good thing, but wow do I have to hold back from spazzing out. How lame lol. I guess that's kind of expected, I only see my best friend one day of the week, I don't really text people or call people, and I don't think talking to my husband or my parents really count (does it??). I wonder if other people are going through something like this. I used to be overclocked on socializing CONSTANTLY because of my previous job, with coworkers and coked-out casino patrons asking for coffee at 3am, and coked-out line cooks making conversation inbetween customers, while I'm on free espresso shots and my dab pen all day, the conversation was fucking FLOWING! And it was great, and the company we worked for was awful, but I'll never say I really hated it. Even when people got taken away on stretchers and yelled in my face (I yelled back, because that's the kind of place you're at honey! Now get out of that fucking seat of I'll call security!), even when millionares invited me to their hotel room (not allowed, and yeah I would have been caught...not worth the risk lol), I met some really great people. And I mean it, because I married one, became best friends with another, and my best friend also had a kid with another!! And they're still together. Wow, it's no wonder I feel like I'm not socializing enough or properly. I'm from bizzaro land where every day was kinda a party or at the least an anime convention without the cosplay. Maybe that's really what I'm missing here, I haven't really gone out or gone to a convention in a while. I love places where strangers are just all talking with each other and I swear that is so hard to find these days. I need to join a club or something where I can just walk up to people like I'm a kid with the whole "hey, what's your name? I'm C, and I'm this many years old!" *holds up 30 fingers*. Perhaps the tendrils of social media are deeper than I thought, turning everyone away from all these social gatherings that used to totally slap. Even just getting drunk at the kareoke bar down the road (though I really don't like drinking anymore) sounds like a blast just to be in a crowded bar butchering Evanescence like I used to. Was the pandemic really the killing blow to this kind of stuff? Do people miss it enough to make a change yet?

2/10/23: So my 20's are over for real now! What a wild time it all was. I think it's rather serendipitous that on my last week of 29, everyone in my life was just so great to me, more than usual. I think it's been a lot of work and a lot of mistakes, along with a lot of hurting people and hurting myself, and with it all a lot of learning, that really felt like the bullshit has really been worth something this past week. I've just gained this really great support system, with my husband (duh lol), my best friend, my family, and even the discord group I've been talking to, everyone has just been so thoughtful and kind and really great at making me feel like I matter as a person, just simple stuff like a bunch of "happy birthday!"s on discord and my friends coming over and buying food for us, seeing my godson light up at all the fun stuff to do at my apartment, getting to talk with my parents more honestly and sincerely, and to top it all off, recreational sales began this past week so ya'll KNOW what kind of shopping I went to do lol. Jules (husband person guy) said to get whatever I wanted, and then we went to the huge antique mall (Brass Armadillo), got Chipotle, and just plain had an awesome day. Nah. it was an awesome week really. Even hanging out with him in the studio was pretty fun and great to hear the progress he's made on each song. I really want to push him to get his own website like this where he could at least post part of the songs and anything that doesn't make the cut just so I can be all "see? he's really not that bad at this!" I would say if he kinda sucked tbh i've got no way to lie about stuff like that it just eats me alive to not be honest about something like that. I know I'm not that great of an artist by any means, I've spent YEARS out of practice and I just don't do it often enough to be very good at it. I know this and it's fine. I feel weird when a person would act like I've got the greatest stuff on earth because uhh, yeah you don't have to push yourself to like it this much man. I appreciate that you like it but let me show you what inspires me since you've never seen anything better. I don't suck but I'm not professional quality and that's okay. I'm not trying to be the best I'm just making stuff. Idk it's hard to describe this without seeming like a dick haha! I appreciate all compliments I get, seriously, but you don't have to go so hard to make me feel good about what I make, I would rather just be another interesting thing to look at and maybe we connect over it. I ain't solving world hunger over here. We both know this.
Ahh, so anyway what was I saying? Turning 30 was actually really awesome. I am so much the opposite of the growing pains of my early 20's it's crazy. I'm getting into more hobbies now, I've just picked back up embroidery and I'm going to try to start painting with acrylics soon. I'm trying to consistently talk to people in the discord, my best friend, and my family, because I really do struggle with human connection but when I make it it's really great and heals me! I'm reading books still, but a bit slower, and I'm trying to keep myself exercising regularly because it's been fun to do and clears my head. I've been really making choices that make me feel more human and it feels great. Most of this comes at the cost of less Tumblr usage, which is my only social media site, and I think that's good. I'm starting my 30's off with really learning not just who I am but who in my life are compatible with me. I feel like this sort of quality jump could only happen when I understood I just can't be everything to everyone and no one can be everything to me, but I can still have standards and not exhaust myself too. Also I'm human, I need to realize I'm way more predictable than I think I am, and that's okay. Being the most unique is not even worth it, Idk why I spent so much time into thinking that I needed to be the most weird person or I wouldn't have any value. Anyway, dear reader, it's a new era and I have no idea what's ahead! Neither do you.

2/5/23: I finally got some drawing done, it's based on a photo, but I still really like how it turned out. Just nice to have an image I definitely can put to use on here lol.

2/4/23: Five more days left of my 20's. I've been trying to brainstorm what sort of content I want to put on here. I just want to have a bunch of stuff here because for once I feel motivated to be creative. I have some actual creative drive and I don't want to let it fade! Anyway, I just saw this post on Tumblr and I can't stop thinking about it.

this post.
check this out while you're at it.

1/24/23: Jesus christ what did I just read on Erowid. Here It's been a while since I had been to the website, I gotta say I missed reading random trip reports for super obscure substances I will never get a hold of. Anyway I'm going to try to find a way to link to the site and maybe even feature a page of my favorite trip stories on here. I assume this must be wild if you've never even had anything similar. I'd be interested in feedback regarding that! Leave it in my chatbox, I'm going to try to find a comment/guestbook feature to add soon!

1/17/23: What am I doing: Still playing these funky tunes lol. I must preach about the healing power of solitude, good music, smoking a bowl of loud, and a good library book. Also some coffee. That's really all I need to be happy, actually! Also used one of the new candles I got for xmas for the first time. I don't regret not going to band practice with the husband lol. The recording studio is super cramped anyways....and as lame as it seems to ignore a literal bonafide rock and roll album happening next to me...I just wanna read my book or play my Gameboy (currenly on FFTA) lol, they've been working on this thing for a very long time. I'm an only child, I like my alone time! also hearing the same song 200 times in a row in one sitting is not fun no matter how much you love the songs and the person behind them.

1/16/23: Been really into deep house and funk DJ sets lately. I'm just jamming to this . kinda . stuff while I do everything! I'm certainly dancing a lot more. Really helps me get in that headspace I've digged for a while, outside of current time; with the accumulation of my best sensory memories and ready to make some new ones. It's like I'm entering a certain timeline with all the best parts of my history, and I'm just weaving more of it, while the future seems bright and I feel my most capable. OOOORRRR it's just a good moment in the hormone cycle lol. We can never really know for sure. Another blog I've come across has me thinking about rituals and how they work within my own life. (in her blogs section, btw) I wonder if adopting the "ritual-based" mindset would help people decide better what they actually want to do with themselves, and perhaps help us make decisions that are actually good for us. Are we not, to some extent, the sum of our rituals? I wonder if this is the sort of detail vital to improve one's mental health, give themselves better direction, all while building a skill at the optimal pace.

Future plans for this page: I've got a lot of drafts on my PC that I might clean up and put here, but I'm getting a little less comfortable sharing my feelings in detail online. Nothing really happened, I think I'm just getting better at writing to vent and ramble privately so I don't really know what I should write for this actual webpage. Maybe I should fill out some online quizzes just for fun? I'm also slowing down on the reading I've been doing, I've mainly read craft books and done a lot of sudoku this year. Perhaps I'll write on either of those.